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Mission Viejo, Orange County 92691
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© DFI MINISTRIES

Black Clothes

September 12, 2018

 

Ten years ago I was sitting on the edge of my bed in our little apartment with tears streaming down my faced on to my black clothes..

I was exhausted and fed up and only fourteen..

young, yet old enough to make mistakes.

Many, many mistakes.

They filled me with regret, but they were also what brought me to that night. Friday, December 14, 2007.

 

I kept asking myself how I let things get so bad, and how things could possibly change…that’s all I wanted.

I wanted a change. I wanted my whole life to change but I didn’t know how. I wanted a do-over, a fresh start, a second chance….but all I could do was sit there on the edge of my bed…sobbing into my hands.

I tell a lot of people about what I was like before that night. I tell them about the depression, the anxiety, the black clothes and satanic music. I tell them about all the trouble I got into, about the rebellion and the self-mutilation and suicidal thoughts…but when I tell them about what happened on that night, my heart starts racing, and suddenly I’m there again.

On the edge of that bed.

On the edge of what changed my life forever.

 

I sat there, weeping for who knows how long…until I shifted my eyes and noticed a burgundy colored book on the floor by my bed. I blinked back my tears and realized that it was the Bible that someone had given me.

 I just stared at it…not really thinking too much..not noticing that I had stopped crying or that I had completely calmed down. I just stared at it.

Maybe a few seconds went by, or a few minutes. I’m not sure…but I picked it up and put it in my lap. It was almost like something shifted inside me as I looked down at it. Up until that point it was just another book, but for some reason I thought…

“Maybe there’s something in here for me.”

And you know what? There was.

 

I opened it, and it fell on Isaiah 50. Now let me tell you that I had no clue about what the Bible said or which parts said what. All I did was open it. Partly in desperation. Partly in curiosity. Partly in….who knows.

I found the beginning of the chapter and started reading. This is what it said…

 

“Thus saith the Lord, Where is the bill of your mother's divorcement, whom I have put away? or which of my creditors is it to whom I have sold you?

 

Behold, for your iniquities have ye sold yourselves, and for your transgressions is your mother put away.

Wherefore, when I came, was there no man? when I called, was there none to answer?

 

Is my hand shortened at all, that it cannot redeem? or have I no power to deliver? behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make the rivers a wilderness: their fish stinketh, because there is no water, and dieth for thirst.

I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering.

 

The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned.

 

The Lord God hath opened mine ear, and I was not rebellious, neither turned away back.

I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting.

For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

 

He is near that justifieth me; who will contend with me? let us stand together: who is mine adversary? let him come near to me. Behold, the Lord God will help me; who is he that shall condemn me? lo, they all shall wax old as a garment; the moth shall eat them up. Who is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in darkness, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.”

‭‭‬‬

My heart stopped. What just happened?

It wasn’t just what was being said…it was the voice I heard through the words.

 

Now, up until that point I knew little to nothing about the Holy Spirit, but for those of you who have experienced Him, and have heard His voice…you know that it’s completely unmistakable.

I knew without a shadow of a doubt that HE opened that passage for me, and HE spoke those words into my heart:

Is my hand shortened at all, that it cannot redeem? or have I no power to deliver?

 

For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded: therefore have I set my face like a flint, and I know that I shall not be ashamed.

 

He is near that justifieth me; who will contend with me?

 

Behold, the Lord God will help me; who is he that shall condemn me?

 

 

Right there, through His word. HE was telling ME that He was able to redeem me. From everything. From my mistakes, from my shame, from the mess I had made out of my life. FROM MY SIN.

“He is near that justifieth me.”

 

He wanted to help me, to pull me out of the darkness, to make me new, to change my life…to set fire to a heart that had been dead and cold for fourteen years..

and that’s exactly what happened.

I re-read that chapter again and again, with more tears streaming down my face…

This time, happy tears.

Those tears still come back when I think about that night and about how after I read that passage in Isaiah 50, I prayed...it wasn't a fancy, drawn-out prayer. All I said were these two words: "Save me." 


I was born-again ten years ago on the edge of my bed.

I became a child of Jesus Christ, by His grace alone. Every day, every month, and every year since then has been an unexplainable adventure. I can hardly describe the joy and peace that has filled my life since I became a Christian.

Words honestly fail.

All I can say is that as I have gotten to know the One who changed my life on December 14, 2007…the only thing I want to do is tell other people about how He can change their lives too.

 

…let him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.

 

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